I feel like God hired me for one of the best jobs in the world on October 28. In the past, I always envied my friends and had a tinge of jealousy when I saw them with their kids. I was always happy for them so I could not figure out why I had these feelings toward their relationship. I now understand. Having a child is the most amazing thing in the world. It is a feeling that cannot be explained or done just with words.
When I was pregnant, I had no idea what kind of mom I would be. I bet each girl tells herself she will be a good mom, but at the same time she has no idea what kind of mom that will be. Would she do everything like her own mother? Would she tell herself there were things she would do differently? Or does she just figure it out as she goes, hoping not to compare herself to every other mom in the world and always questioning if her actions are the right ones. I truly believe that no matter what kind of mom you are, you love your kids more than anything in the world and always want what is best for them.
It is still hard to believe that I am a mom. When I run into people from work or friends of ours, they call me "mom" or refer to me as a "mother". It catches me by surprise. I still feel like a regular person but with more responsibility. The other day, the mother in me really came out.
On Friday, I sat on the couch watching the details unfold from the horrific shooting in Connecticut. Immediately I felt this need to protect Grayson. I held him closer and tighter and could not understand where this instinct was coming from. During other events such as this, I always felt grief for the families but this day I felt it even more. I now see what was taken from them and I could not imagine how I would cope with something so heartbreaking.
Growing up, I was not sheltered. Having a father that is a police officer will do that to a child. In no way do I see it as a bad thing. It made me grow up knowing that there are people and things that happen in society that are bad and sometimes cannot be explained. I truly believe it made me a more mature individual but it also prepared me to have my guard up at all times. Although I want to make sure Grayson gets to enjoy being a child, I also want him to understand what happens in this world and be prepared for anything. As a mother, I will do everything I can to protect him but it may mean preparing him for things he might not be ready for. Obviously these lessons will come at a time and an age that Shane and I feel is appropriate but I think we both agree he needs to understand reality and that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies.
I hope I can continue to be a good mom to Grayson. And as he gets older, I hope he knows that I love him unconditionally. I think that is something kids need to always understand; that no matter how badly they behave or make their parents angry, that they are still loved and appreciated by their parents. That at the end of everyday, moms and dads have one of the most rewarding jobs in the world.
